Why am I Afraid to Ride?

Finally got the chance to get on my horse today.  And I wasn't looking forward to it.

The entire time I was tacking up I was making silly excuses in my head about why we shouldn't do much today.  The ring was going to be muddy.  I should probably get home to finish the laundry.  I had spent enough time at the barn already with the farrier appointment.  I should certainly lunge him first.  If he was nuts then maybe that was all we would do.

Because of a vacation last week, it had been a little over 2 weeks since our last ride.   After tacking up we headed to the ring.   I hooked on the lunge line and asked him to move out.   He ambled away in a circle.  After a minute or two I asked for a trot verbally.  Nothing.  I swung the lunge line at him.   An ear flick.  I THREW the lunge line at him.  Ah... there is the trot.   I needed the lunge whip but figured he'd wake up and didn't feel like going to gather it.    A few more minutes into the lunging I realized that he was VERY quiet today.   Okay... maybe close to asleep.    I obviously did not need to lunge him to get the friskies out!

So I used my extra tall mounting block and got on.   He was stiff but relaxed.  We spent about ten minutes getting some more flexibility by counter bending, flexing and doing lots of circles and turns.  Nice work.

Then he started getting anxious.   Alternating between jigging and nearly stopping so he could look around.   I wasn't sure what the issue was but figured I better stick with the walking because surely the trotting would lead to something nutty.   I did a few trot circles ... but not many.  What was wrong with him?

My friend was coming to ride the second half for me as my leg is still not all that strong and was I glad she came.  When she got on, she realized he was stuck and moved him out.  Really asked for an engaged and moving trot.  Didn't worry about collection until she got him moving.  He even offered a few really nice canter transitions.

Watching her ride I realized there was not a thing wrong with my horse.   It was me.  I was shutting him down because of fear.  Each time he offered a flowing moving horse, I shut him down.  I was afraid and it made no sense whatsoever.  He was relaxed and happy.  He was a good horse.  He trusted me.  

Since I started riding again after my surgery I have been afraid.  Its similar to the feeling you get after a fall.  You get back on but in the back of your head you are imaging all the worst case scenarios.  What if he takes off?  What if my leg gets stuck in the stirrup and he moves off while mounting.  What if he slips in the mud?  What if.. what if...

I'm not sure why I am doing this but I am grateful to my friend for reminding me that its okay (and for coming out and riding my horse).   Today was the first day I've ridden at home without someone there when I mounted.  It was the first day I've ridden in 2 weeks.  Its the first day that I've ridden there since a new horse arrived at the barn and disrupted the day to day living of Golly's routine.   I had left my pony and the new horse in the stalls and the pony was yelling for her buddy.   There was an airplane buzzing the ring during our ride.  A cow mooing in the neighbors yard.  They are all reasons to be a bit afraid.   BUT.. all this existed for my friend as well and all went well as soon as she told him that she trusted him to move out and forward.

Best I can figure it that I am afraid both because of the still healing leg (I had my knee replaced recently for those readers who are just joining our journey) and because I haven't ridden much lately.  Like most things. .... practice practice practice.... I just need to be in the saddle more and the old feeling of eager anticipation of the next ride will come back.  

Choose Your Battles

As the oldest of three girls, my parents were a bit tougher on me than my sisters.   Like most families, the rules started out a bit more stringent and then as the years and siblings progressed, the rules became more relaxed.  I suspect we just wore my parents out and they didn't have the energy to enforce the rules with the same vigor with my younger sisters.

I can't remember the exact situation but I remember asking my Mom to come down hard on my sisters for something they had done.  After all, she would have gotten after ME for it, why not them?  After she reminded me that SHE was the Mom and I was not, she gave me a philosophy that I use with my kids to this day.  She told me, "Choose your Battles".

The general concept of the philosophy is this -- there are many battles to choose with your children.  For the most part most are not worth fighting.  Things like hair length, some clothing choices or the various ways a teenager exerts their independence from their parents are just not worth fighting.  You are only going to win so many battles with your children so save the effort for the ones that matter.   A happy, healthy, and productive adult is the goal and spoil of the war -- save your battles for what will you get you to that goal.

I have used that philosophy raising my children and today during my lesson I realized I need to also use it in my riding.

Because my knee is still weak from my knee replacement, I cannot ride for more than about a half hour.  For this reason, my instructor is riding Golly for about a half hour before I get on for the last half of my lesson.  This has been great both because Golly is getting the benefit of responsive and quick riding and I am getting the benefit of watching the conversation and learning.

I noticed that she was able to get his inside hind leg stepping deep under and pushing.  However when she did get the deep pushing inside leg, his outside shoulder was pushing out more than it should have been.   She was getting the inside "bend' but seemed to be sacrificing the straightness of the outside.   This baffled me because she is too good of a rider to not notice the shoulder push.   After pondering it a bit I asked why. 

She confirmed what I was seeing -- with the increase in the correct bend on the inside he WAS pushing his shoulder out more than it should.  But it came down to the lesson my Mom had taught me many years ago.  There are so many battles you can fight at once and sometimes to achieve the end goal, you need to compromise.

It makes sense.  Golly is early in his dressage education.  (Although it doesn't seem like it since we have been working on this for a few years... but hey... dressage takes time!).  If he is trying hard and responding to the request for the inside bend and thrust from the inside back leg, it is likely that he may overwork it and push his outside shoulder out.  As long as its not too bad, its fair to compromise on this a bit.  Otherwise it could be confusing to a horse that is trying.  There is a fine line with this of course -- you don't want him to develop a bad habit that will be difficult to fix later.  But some compromise is good!

Think of it from his point of view.... "yeah... I got this bend down.... look at me! I'm awesome!   Hey, why are you asking me to straighten on the outside?  How am I supposed to do both?  Dang, this woman is NEVER satisfied.  I'm just going to quit trying."

You and I know he CAN actually do both but he doesn't know yet and may not have the muscling to do so perfectly. Let him have the chance to feel good about himself on his success and THEN move on to the next challenge.     Choose your battles!

FINALLY rode!!!!

Yeah!  Yeah! Yeah!!!!  I finally got on Golly today.  It wasn't earth shattering or exciting -- which is EXACTLY what you want for your first ride back after surgery.  

So happy to be riding again

After our lunging session last week I expected him to be excited again but when I went to lunge him today he was dead quiet.  I could barely get a good working trot out of him.

So after a few minutes of lunging I decided to give it a try.   I pulled him over to my new extra tall mounting block and while my friend Dawn held him, I mounted using my right non-operated leg.   Mounting with my right leg was harder than I thought it would be.  After years of using my left leg to mount, my body is just trained to do it that way.  Now that I am putting thought into it though I am not sure why we ask our horses to be balanced on both sides and we always mount on side.   It just doesn't make sense -- it causes our left stirrup leather to stretch and has to cause our horses to be unbalanced.   Once my left leg is back to normal, I plan on mounting on both sides from now on.

My extra tall mounting block worked great.  Besides the fear of getting on a horse that had not been ridden in seven weeks, it was super easy to mount.

After dismounting on the high block

Golly was nice and relaxed and moved out at a slow amble.  He did feel like a wiggle worm though.   A shoulder out this way.  Correct and then a hip out the other way.  Correct and then the hip out the other side.  Wiggle left.  Wiggle right.  We have some work to do to remind him what straight means.  I am so proud of him though that he was so relaxed.  There are not many horses you can pull out after seven weeks off and they are close to boring.  Its why I love him and don't trade him in for a more exciting and talented model.

I even picked up a trot going both directions.   There was no pain in the leg but I can tell its weak and there is a "funny" feeling at the joint.  Kind of a wiggle left and right that I am sure is because the muscles have not fully healed to hold it in place.  I'm sure they will find their place again though.

Dismounting was a bit scary.  I just didn't know what it would feel like.  Dawn held Golly and I slid down to the new mounting block.  Again... besides the fear of the unknown it felt great.  Success!

Golly was relaxed enough that after I got off, Dawn decided to hop on for a few spins around the ring.  Its been a long time since Dawn has ridden so I think he must have looked pretty relaxed for her to trust that it would go well with her too.  It did go well of course!


So a good first ride.  I know we have a long way to go to build the muscles back up and I noticed in the picture that Golly has lost his muscling as well.  We will get there though.

Dawn hops on too

Post Knee Replacement - Resisting the Temptation to Ride

Its now been 2 weeks and 4 days since having my knee replacement surgery.  I am walking without cane or crutches.   If you don't see the big red scar on my knee, you wouldn't know that I recently had surgery.  I am walking with just the slightest limp.   Physical therapy is still taking up about 6 hours a week of my life but I enjoy the time there and like seeing the progress.   At my Thursday appointment I could flex (bend my knee) to 132 degrees and extend (make it flat) to about 3 degrees.  I am seeing big improvements in my flexing but the extension is slow work for me.

I started driving at the 2 week mark and at the same time went back to feeding and caring for my horses.  Last week it was easy to resist the urge to ride because 1) I was in way too much pain to even contemplate swinging my leg across my horse and 2) I wasn't seeing, smelling and feeling his soft sweet muzzle.

Lately I have been contemplating how and when I will be back in the saddle.  I want to feel that gentle sway and warm back again.  The big wet sighing blow of the nostrils and relax of the back he does after a few circles around the ring.   The perked ears in front of me leading the way on a new adventure.  The smell of fresh air, horse sweat and leather.

This knee replacement was a big investment of pain, time, money, risk of infection, and the kindness of my family and friends who cared for me and my responsiblities though.  I can't willy nilly just decide I want to ride and risk that investment.

But I want to ride.

So here is the plan....

Christmas is coming and my super talented husband has agreed to make an extra sturdy wide and tall mounting block for my gift.  My instructor has agreed to ride him first and then let me do the cool down.  I think with her help mounting and dismounting onto a sturdy base and settling for just ambling on a relaxed happy horse should let me test the waters in a safe sensible manner.

Before the surgery I was told that it may be three months before I could get on and I'm afraid they may stick to that plan.   My post-op appointment is next Thursday and I'm hoping he is so impressed with my progress he agrees that I can move forward with MY plan. 

Cross your fingers for me!